So I was just revisiting some of my blogs from days gone by and wondering am I still that woman? Do my passions still ignite around the life of Jesus, am I still living within the convictions of my youth, has life weathered the idealism out of me? I would say that I am more weathered, less sure of some things and more sure of others, and probably in need of a little refocusing!
I think that I am more weathered cause I have had a few more kids, (which weathers the body and the soul, more like refines I guess). I have partnered with the man of my dreams to pioneer something which can define beauty and ugliness, joy and pain and we love it in ways I never dreamed even in all the idealism. I have had some ups that have left me assured that there is nothing else to live my life for, and some downs that have given me glimpses of a very tender, compassionate and constant Jesus. I feel like my armor is a little more dented but not nearly dented enough to say I have completely abandoned my life for Christ's.
This path has allowed me to look into the depths of my soul and be both overjoyed at the hand of God moving there but also sad that there is still so much more work to do.
I am coming out of a season that has probably shaken my idea of who I am, and allowed me to see the weakness that I had never really seen. It has also allowed me to see God clearer and grasp his character more, and it was his strength that showed up when my failed.
I am seeing how over the past few years of "serving God" there has been challenges to my character that I have let pass instead of standing up to them. I am now seeing the fruit of serving myself at times instead of Christ, I can be more short tempered with those I love, more prideful and less humble and just plain concerned with things that don't matter.
A long time ago our Pastor challenged us to "give up the right to be right" with those around us and in our lives, so I think it is time to revisit a humbling process. Essentially Jesus is the only one who can change my heart but I can atleast practice till he does and give him room to move.
Also I see how in this last season I have been so wrapped up in my situation, that it feels like it sucked me in deeper. I feel like where true healing and restoration happens is when we are side by side with Jesus laboring for what He and the Father are doing. So I guess I don't feel like I need to take a break to refocus or rest a little but rather I guess I need to get back on the horse. Jesus longs to love Buffalo and so do I.....done refocusing!!!
I guess as we work towards redemption all around us it happens in us.....
I was thinking that the disciples became disciples working with Jesus side by side and the same it true for us....