I Remember

I thought I should follow up on what Steve's Blog was saying and post the memories I have from this whole experience I have found myself in. This picture I put at the top of my post is a picture of me when I was about a year and a half old in the Lord. I think I have grow since then, and yes I am wearing plastic wrap.

I remember my second week at church and Kristin said to me, "Hi Mary." I was blown away at the fact that she remembered my name.

I remember hanging out with Susan, Lea, and Melissa at celebration on Sunday nights because I loved going to church.

I rememeber the Sunday night I knew with everything in me that I was saved and that the Lord loved me.

I remember going on my first mission trip to Mexico and swearing that I would live there someday. (Who knows?)

I rememeber asking Pastor Mike if I could be on the worship team and I remember how welcoming and awesome everyone was.

I remember when I confessed to Kerri a sin that I was so ashamed of.

I remeber asking Tamy, in a passing moment, if she would disciple me, and I remember thinking that she would forget. So I figured that I wouldn't ask again and just leave it be. I remember the phone call I got from her because she didn't forget.

I remember the trip to Mexico where Steve taught me how to play the guitar, which by the way I never thought would amount to much.

I remember going over to Steve and Tamy's house 3 or 4 nights a week for one reason or another. I remember thinking that these people were so awesome and that I would go anywhere they would go.

I remembered wanting more passion from God and for God and the thing that was holding me back was the fact that I didn't tithe. I remember the first time I tithed. (That was a fun time because the first thing that I felt called to tithe on was the $6,000 my parents gave me for college. That was fun telling them that I tithed 10% on that. The fur was flying that night!)

I remember when Yaks opened. I remember crying everyday for the first year. I remember hiding in the bathroom because I was crying so much and thinking that I was safe till Nancy walked in. She prayed for me.

I rememeber the time I realized that I needed to take responsibility for my relationship with God, that was time I started to tithe.

I remember the day that I called Jeff Jones and told him that I felt called to lead worship. I remember writing papers and reading articles for my internship.

I remember being so excited at the possibility of another Girl's House. I rememeber moving into the Girl's House. I also remember the 5:00 am meetings at Nan's house.

I remember feeling called to plant a church with Steve and Tamy, and for the first time not being afraid to leave the Vineyard. I wouldn't be leaving I would be sent out.

I remember whe Sean and Linda came back and Sean started to meet with me about worship. I remember the first thing that he said to me about leading worship. "Character over quality anyday." I remember starting to lead worship and the first time I had a meltdown. I remember when Sean asked me what was the matter I told him that I felt like a big a**hole. I remember he laughed.

I remember starting on Staff and wondering what the heck everyone was thinking. I remember 301, boy do I remember 301. I don't think I will ever forget that. That was the most family I have ever done.

I remember all the 6am meetings at the Girl's House.

I remember going to Buffalo for the first time.

I remember going to World Mandate and being rocked and for the first time realizing the urgency of salvation of unbelievers. I remember for the first time seeing the world through the eyes of God.

I remember being loved and feeling loved. I remember being encouraged to go for God with everything in me. I remember being told that I am the hope of the World. I remember being told that I can dream big, that I can dream God's dreams and that it was okay for me to reach out and grab ahold of them and run with them. I remember being told that people were 100% for me and whatever God was doing in me. I remember learning to do family and learning to love the family that God gave me. I remember growing.



This is me 4 years after meeting the Lord. I guess the goofiness never left.

Our Last Sunday

This past Sunday was our last Sunday morning gathering with our sending Church. We are still in town for another month, but because our Church doesn't hold corporate gatherings for the month of July, we will not be attending any more corporate Church events. We leave August 1st for Buffalo!

Aside from the ever growing anticipation, this last 48 hours has afforded me the opportunity for quite a bit of reflection...

I have learned that being a Christian is about a commitment to the person of Christ. Not a commitment to my personal salvation.

I have learned that following Jesus is always done with a brother at your side. Always.

I have learned that my sin can be conquered by the blood of Christ. If I allow it.

I have learned that God does not hold my sin over my head. He is my biggest supporter.

I have learned that learning is about heart changing lessons that result in lifestyle changes, not information that makes me feel that I am better than others.

I have learned that God is heartbroken over the world that He created. He longs for His children to return to Him.

I have learned that I will be judged a success not by what I build, or what I accomplish, but by my love of God and who I touch with that love.

I have learned to worship the one who is worthy.

I have learned that I can actively chose to cooperate with God's Spirit, just like I can actively chose to reject it. I can allow space in my life for his voice and his action; those times of quiet reflection, listening, reading, praying, even working.

I remember Pastor Mike cracking jokes from the pulpit the first time I came to Church; I was at home. I remember him confessing sin from the pulpit; I was relieved. I remember his unwillingness to fumble about with questions that don't have answers; I gained, for the first time, a value for the mystical reality of life with Jesus.

I remember meeting with Pastor Kyle (before he was Pastor Kyle) to come up with Bible Study questions for our small group. For the first time in my life I would spend an entire week meditating, reading, thinking, talking, and studying a single passage of the gospels. It remains to this day one of the richest experiences with the Bible that I have had.

I remember meeting with Pastor Jeff (before he was Pastor Jeff) for the first time one-on-one, and he gave a heartfelt invitation to open up to him. He offered to be there for me, he let me know that if I was struggling he was there for me.

I remember the first time I sobbed and snotted on the floor in front of a group of men, confessing my sin that had been eating at me for months. I remember the relief.

I remember my first trip oversees.

I remember when Pastor Mike told me I was preaching, and I was scared to death.

I remember Cedar throwing up every five minutes, and I remember conversations with Levi.

I remember when I realized that I was going to give my life in service to the Church.

I remember when I was finally able to say the word 'pastor' in reference to myself without stuttering.

I remember sitting in a staff meeting where everyone there told me I was called to plant Churches.

I remember Lisa's deep thoughts, Kerri's dogmatic support, Janie making me laugh, and teasing Lynne about being a preacher one day.

I remember getting licensed as a Pastor.

I remember having our own private, world-famous worship leader; and it didn't even come close to Jeff on the guitar, everyone singing their heart out to God, and Bean playing rythym on a cooking pot with a whisk like Jesus was about to come back!

I remember Jason Verduzco catching on fire! I remember being there when he had to confess the sin that haunted him.

I remember so many faces, and so many prayers.

I remember Zoe’s birth, and the way our Church embraced my in-laws with love.

I remember going to World Mandate with Sean, and having my vision expanded, my heart broken, and my head spun, inside of one weekend.

I remember the first time we had James and Rebecca over for dinner and I couldn’t stop laughing for several hours, I hadn’t laughed that hard, that long, for years.

I remember Nancy’s ubiquitous smile and her attitude that always said, “You can! With Jesus you can do that and more!”

I remember a month in the Ukraine where I learned to play the guitar and fell in love with the Church. Where Tamy and I, Dave and Robin, were bonded together forever by our experiences with each other.

I remember walking with David DeMar every Monday night, coffee in hand, around down-town Redding.

I remember Sjoera's hugs, Kristin's practical jokes, Brad's death. I remember wishing I could have done more to reach out to Paul and Tim, Monday nights at the Barham's house, Carly's phone calls, Grazes at the Amens, Brett's handshakes. I remember the Church that taught me, the Church that is throwing me out of the nest so I can learn to fly, and oneday throw someone out of my nest...

I remember the women who poured their lives into my wife. Seeing her respond to God’s love for her, and call on her life.

I will forever be changed.

I love Jesus, and yet know I do not love him enough.

I love the Church, and yet know I must love her more.

I love the world, and yet know Jesus has still to truly break my heart for his lost ones.

I believe we are called to influence those around us for the Kingdom, and yet I am still learning how to lead.

I have become a Christian here…

The Father's Love

Since February God has been showing me about the lenses I see him through. I see God and his characteristics in the same light as my earthly father, whom by the way I love very much and he is a wonderful man. These lenses create a lot of weirdness and I often times feel like I am never good enough or I just don't meet up to his expectations and that I am always a disappointment to God the Father. That is how I feel most of the time. So over the last few months there have been glimpses of the Father's love and the sermon that Pastor Mike preached was really awesome and a lot of the things that he said were so good to hear. So I have been trying to trudge through this thing and I have been learning about my earthly father too and about myself and it is all a really good process. Today was also a part of the process. My dad is in the hospital right now and has been in and out since April because of problems with his Pancreas and with his Gallbladder. Yesterday he had his surgery, which is a huge relief by the way. So I spent some time with the Lord today before I went to the hospital to see him, and I was praying for a better understanding of the Father's love. I want to know what it is like to be loved by a father who thinks that I am just it. I prayed that God would send me someone fatherly that would love me like a father loves me. So I went to the hospital after this, and my dad was still very very out of it because of his medicine and after just having a big surgery yesterday. When my dad is out of it like this he is very vulnerable and will say things that I believe come from what he is feeling inside, I don't think he would normally say them with this innocence (without pride or anything getting in the way). So I sit with him and he's nodding off and I decide I would rather leave and let him sleep. So I tell him this, "Dad, I'm going to go so you can rest." And he looks at me and says, "I hate that I am always pushing you away." He is almost crying when he says this which doesn't happen very much. He didn't want me to go. So I told him that I would stay even if he was sleeping. All throughout this hour or so visit he went in and out of sleep but he would tell me that he loves me more than I know. He would tell me that the reason he had to have so many heart surgeries was because there is not enough room in his heart for all the love he has for me and Harry and my mom. I kept telling him that I loved him too. It was such a blessing at the time, but I didn't realize it till hours later when I was retelling this story to someone and they said to me, "So you prayed for someone to love you like a father does and God sent you your father."

Digging up old roots

“The greatest obstacle, indeed, the only obstacle, is that we are not free from passions and lusts, that we do not try to follow the perfect way of the saints. Thus when we encounter some slight difficulty, we are too easily dejected, and turn to human consolations. If we tried, however to stand as brave men in battle, the help of the Lord from heaven would surely sustain us. For He Who gives us the opportunity of fighting for victory, is ready to help those who carry on and trust in His grace.
If we let our progress in religious life depend on the observance of it’s externals alone, our devotion will quickly come to an end. Let us, then, lay the ax to the root, that we might be free from our passions and thus have peace of mind.
If we uproot only one vice each year, we should soon be perfect. The contrary, however, is often the case-we feel that we were better and purer in the first fervor of our conversion that we are after many years in the practice of our faith. Our fervor and progress ought to increase day by day; yet it is now considered note worthy if a man can retain even a part of his first fervor.”

- Thomas a Kempis

My alarm clocks rings for the 3rd time this morning. I sit up and stare sleepily at the clock. 7am. This is not so early for getting up and spending time with the Lord before Yaks. I've have to get up at 4 am before if I wanted any time with the Father in my day. I blankly continue stare at the clock as I plan how much time I would actually spend with the Lord. "Okay, if I spend time with him from 7:30 - 8:00 then I can sleep from 8 - 8:30." I thought to myself. When I am half asleep I can talk myself out of all sorts of things. I continue to think till 7:30 and then I open my Bible and lay on my bed and begin to read. I dazed in and out and kept thinking that I couldn't wait till 8 so I could hit the hay for a half hour more. Then a thought hit me. "If you know what you are supposed to do and you don't do it then you are in sin." I knew that I was supposed to spend an hour with the Lord this morning and I wanted to go to sleep. But apparently that wasn't an option this morning. So I ended up staying up the whole time and spending it with him. It was funny though because satan tries to get in there and do the whole forbidden fruit thing. "Did God really say that you are in sin if you don't do what he says?"

This quote is the devotional I have been reading over this week. It's from "Imitation of Christ." I have been reading one small chapter a week for the last 3 weeks. They can be pretty pretty chewy. This one has stuck out to me the most. What an amazing thing it is. Everything he says is so true. We so often set these crazy goals for ourselves, and we don't ever meet up to them. (I set goals too high.) Then we totally quit and just go to our comfort thing, whether it would be food or other people or hunting, whatever it is. I hate that. If, like Thomas a Kempis said, we stand up and fight, like this morning's quiet time, God will surely stand up for our cause. He will surely defend us. I love how he talks about putting the axe to the root as far as our passions go, and think these are different then the passions that God puts in our hearts, he will give us peace of mind if we let them go. There is just something in this quote that speaks to me. It is possible for me to uproot the vices that have been rooted in me for the past 20 years. All hope is not lost, 20 years of forming habits and such is a long time to try and kick them in just one day, one week, or even one year. But if we can uproot one each year how different everyone would look. I totally think that the fervor he is talking about is awesome too. It is so possible to be just as zealous for the Lord as when we first got saved. A lot of people who are fresh saved will do just about anything for the Lord. They almost immediately love him. That was the feeling I had anyway. "You died for me of course I will love you! You gave your son for me, of course I will call you daddy and of course I love you!" That was my instant reaction. I've had to really recently walk the whole love for the Father out, and allow some healing, I'm in process because that uncondional first reaction love has left and I see God through weird lenses. But that first fervor I had no doubt will return and I will see him through clear lenses. I don't know if any of all of this makes any sense, but this is everything that came out of me reading this section of "The Imitation of Christ"

Encountering Homosexuality

"I'm Bisexual because men have always hurt me. They have always used me, AND something bad happened to me when I was little." A young girl stated. She was about 17 years old.
"Do you mind me asking what happen?" I asked.
"My brother molested me when we were younger and threatened to kill me if I told our parents. I've been date raped before too. I've never been any guys number one. I've just had a lot of guys treat me bad, so I've decided to become bisexual."
"Well girls are just as capable as boys are to do those things to you. With exception of rape, I think." I said in reply to this young girl.
"I just want a guy to worship me, I want to be it." She said.
"If you wait long enough he will come." I said. How do you encourage a girl that will spill all her junk in the first hour of meeting you. I didn't get it. Choosing to swing both ways was just as easy as choosing to change her underware, it seemed. I don't want to discount the things that have happened to her and maybe if they had happened to me I would be bisexual right now too. So I decided to ask her if she has had any girlfriends since deciding to be bisexual. She said that she was looking into a potential girlfriend. But most of the night she was talking about how hot this one guy is or how hot this other guy is, and she seemed so confused. I was sad for her.
In the time I got to talk to this girl I also got to meet this guy who was 19 and was gay. He was and odd guy and he had really long hair, and really long fingernails, but everything else was pretty masculine. The subject of first loves came up and he had one at one time, his first loves name was Rusty. I had asked him if his first love had been a man or a woman, to which he replied that it was a man and that he never remembers being attracted to girls. Execpt one and this was back in 6th grade. This guy would just talk and talk, and it didn't matter what he would talk about, he could talk about anything. I just listen and I asked lots of questions and I tried not to zone out. I wanted to be attentive. I was just trying to do the God thing in my first encounter with a gay person since I have seen the movie "Rent". The thing was I thought that these guys were neat and weird. I didn't know what else to do besides listen. Which in some cases is the best thing to do. I was not trying to be the religious judgmental person. I wanted them to leave knowing the love of Christ. I hope that they did, I hope that I was a good influence on them, and especially on that girl. In spending time with these people at this party I went to I also saw the importance of staying close to God. There are a lot of things you can be exposed to when you hang out with people that don't know the Lord. And this was a safe party not drugs or boose involved. I just prayed the best that I knew how and listened as much as i could and hoped that there would be clarity to the confusion they were living in. We are called to be lights in this dark world.

Spiritual Authority

What do we mean when we refer to authority? To what specifically do we refer? Where does the locus of authority reside in?

The obvious answer is God, Christ, the Spirit; yet what are the practical ramifications of the authority of God in the life of the Christian? (We must recognize that the acephalic Quaker communities, as well as the authoritarian Pentacostal/Charismatic communities, would all claim that authority resides in Christ alone; the question is to the manner in which Christ’s authority is manifested in our communities and lives.) Does the authority of the Spirit reside in the community (the Body of Christ, the Temple of God’s Spirit), does the authority of Christ reside in the descendant of St. Peter and his appointed representatives, in the individual charismatic personality, in the delegated title-holder, in the individual with leadership gifts?

What is the manner in which an authority figure is granted authority? Does the authority of the elder come from the Spirit-filled community? Or rather from the calling of God on the individual in question? From other authority figures?

What is the nature of authority in God’s kingdom? Is it inherently about making decisions and determining vision? Is it about pursuing the accomplishing or achieving of specific goals related to vision? Or is it the equipping and releasing of others into destinies and purposes that have nothing to do with our own values?

Definition

Leadership is responsibility.

Leadership is influence.

Leadership is confrontation.

Origin

Having said this, however, leadership is not something given to individuals who are somehow separate from the communities they lead. “The ministry is for the Church, not the Church for the ministry.” Leadership is recognized by the community and authority is granted to individuals by the Spirit as he is manifested in the local Church. This is irrespective of forms of Church governance; this is not an argument for a congregational system, but an ecclesiology. As individuals take responsibility for the community upon themselves, influence those around them, and step into loving and humble confrontation, they are exercising a gift of leadership. The community, by way of the Spirit of Christ, will recognize this and will set apart these individuals for leadership.

Nature

Leadership in the Kingdom of the beloved Son is not to be characterized by grasping, overbearing, or demanding. It is to be modeled upon the Master who said “do not lord over one another, but rather love each other, wash each other’s feet.”

There is a lesson to be learned in the lives of such saints as the great theological father, Augustine of Hippo, who was ordained a priest against his will; or Pope Gregory who was given authority over his loud protests against it (he even referred to it as God’s chastisement); and countless others who were granted authority in spite of their fervent pleas to forego the responsibility and influence of leadership.

Leadership in the Spirit of Jesus is for the benefit of those led, rather than the leader. A friend referred to his mentor in a trade, who constantly said, “the goal is for you to be better than me.” It is with this attitude that Christian leaders are to exercise their authority.

Purpose

The purpose of leadership in the family of God is not to direct the course of the communal life in a suitable manner, but rather to grant members of the family the maturity and power to live fully for Christ, to evoke the ambiguity of the Spirit-filled, wind-swept life within the community of saints. Leadership is for the equipping of Christians to fulfill with obedience the call of the Spirit. It is not to determine the nature or scope of that call. The true Christ-like leader will not micro-manage, but quite the opposite, will leave those around her begging for stronger leadership, ultimately wrestling with God about the answers that the leader refuses to give.

The purpose of parental authority is not to protect or punish, nor is it to determine the course of life or to define behavioral limits (although all of these do fall within the realm of parental activity). The purpose of parental authority is to produce healthy and mature adults, capable of navigating their own course through life in Christ.

So too, spiritual leadership is for the purpose of cultivating maturity in those given care by the leader. This demands a level of freedom that frightens any leader who cannot see through to trust the Spirit who dwells within the lives of all Christians.





“By spontaneous expansion I mean something which we cannot control. And if we cannot control it, we ought, as I think, to rejoice that we cannot control it. For if we cannot control it, it is because it is too great not because it is too small for us. The great things of God are beyond our control. Therein lies a vast hope. Spontaneous expansion could fill the continents with the knowledge of Christ: our control cannot reach as far as that. We constantly bewail our limitations: open doors unentered; doors closed to us as foreign missionaries; fields white to the harvest which we cannot reap. Spontaneous expansion could enter open doors, force closed ones, and reap those white fields. Our control cannot: it can only appeal pitifully for more men to maintain control.”



This is book length, but worth the read


This is a shorter article

missional potato salad?

Here are some pictures from our neighborhood BBQ. A little over half of these folks are in our small group. The others are folks from the apartment complex, or co-workers, and a few others from another small group in our church. We had a lot of fun, fed lots of people, and had some great conversations.

This is all ultimately born out of the realization that it is awfully hard to “love your neighbor as yourself” if you don’t hang out together, no agenda, just together.

My wife took one of the younger ladies with her and took some plates of food to the gas stations attendants at the two corner stores. She was minus a plate so I took Sam with me and went back over with another. We got to have a brief conversation with a couple of guys named "Mike." We invited them to the coffee shop, we will see if they show up.



This is a friend and her co-worker.



These are some of my neighbors.



These are the children playing together.



These are the other children playing together!

'To become a beginner again for Jesus'

Italicized text taken from www.robbymac.org

Again, it is not merely the hands-on nature of ministry that qualifies as "faith expressed in deeds"; if nothing that we are involved in requires risk-taking, but instead can be done all by ourselves with or without the Spirit's empowering, we have not yet found that all-important balance. As John Wimber once wrote:

"A disciple is always ready to take the next step. If there is anything that characterizes Christian maturity, it is the willingness to become a beginner again for Jesus Christ. It is the willingness to put your hand in His hand and say 'I'm scared to death, but I'll go with You. You're the pearl of great price.'"

Wow!

Roland Allen

Allen's Spontaneous Expansion of the Church: and the Causes that Hinder It is an essential companion volume to his Missionary Methods. The primary argument in Allen's work is that the Spirit would quite naturally lead men to work for the advancement of the gospel in such a way that the subsequent result would be new local churches. It is this 'spontaneous expansion' that we see as characteristic of the early Church, as well as Churches in countries antagonistic towards the gospel. Allen goes on to diagnose the current reality (which is anything but 'spontaneous expansion') as a result of fear. Our fear of the uncontrolled move of the Spirit of Jesus is what causes us to rely upon organizational priciples to do what can only be done by the saint who is surrendered over to the Power of God.

Allen points out the fallacious nature of evangelistic work that has as its goal groups of Christians who must now rely upon the 'evangelist' for their continued faith. The goal of evangelism is not the existence of a large body of christians who have no way of living out their faith, or advancing the cause of the Kingdom. The goal of evangelism is women and men who's trust in Christ is of such a quality that they naturally cause those around them to desire Christ; women and men who are capable of leading others into a life with Christ; women and men who are willing to take responsibility for the spiritual welfare of their families, co-workers, and neighbors; women and men who would take up the cause of advancing the gospel of Christ.

Allen points to the evangelism of a group of people that does not empower those people to live in a christ-centered, missional, community (a Church) backwards. Our goal should be individuals who are of a particular quality in their faith; and this leading inevitably to new local churches. Not the gathering of people who are not missional, have no leadership, are not bound together by the sacraments of the Church (are not a Church!) and then seek to train up individuals of the aforementioned quality of faith out of that group.

I find in this a good deal of support for my contention that the New Testament knows nothing of Christians who were not also Church Planters. To be a Christian in the New Testament sense of the word is to have committed oneself to the spread of the missionary community of Christ.

The ABC's of Church?

(Check the title link)

I do not think that counting is an evil, or even unnecessary, thing; yet, as members of Christ, partakers of the divine nature, we should be wary of emphasizing the number of people in a building on a Sunday over the holiness of those people (for example). We must be wary of the emphasis on those things that we count (for whatever we count is what we are declaring to be valuable), however, there is a place for administration in the Kingdom of God.

I would ask, however, what exactly it is that we should be counting...

...bodies in attendance at a gathering, or people who are plugged in to a small group?

...square footage of our facility, or number of Churches planted that have themselves planted a Church?

...dollar amounts given, or hours volunteered?

How about...

...the number of hours each member spends in prayer, or in the word daily?

...the number of leaders in the Church who have raised and released other leaders?

...the number of small groups that have multiplied?

...the number of volunteer organizations Church members are involved with?

...the average percentage Church members tip the wait staff for Sunday lunch?

This list could go on!

The simple point is that we can help people to understand what is important, if we are wise in what we do. If we will decide that which is truly valuable, and then find ways to emphasize those things by counting them, we will be less woried about whether counting the ABC's is devaluing that which is truly important.